Are you hesitant about your queen going natural?
This guide will help you through the process.
Dr. Corey D. Guyton
I am assuming that you are reading this publication because you are concerned and have reservations about your beautiful Black queen cutting her straight hair to go natural. I am also sure that you want to support her, but you cannot stand the thought of your queen being “bald headed”. If these two statements are true, then this publication is for you. Hopefully the information presented in this document will assist you through the transition process while also encouraging you to support your queen in her journey.
Like many of you reading this document, I was in a situation similar to yours. My beautiful queen approached me one day and stated that she wanted to go natural. At the time, she had about 1 foot of long straight hair that I absolutely loved. Since I did not believe she would really cut it off, I pretended that I supported her decision to go natural. For about a few months, she talked about going through with the process but did not really show any true commitment towards cutting it off.
At about the fifth month of contemplating, she started having discussions with women who were natural and a close friend of hers decided to go natural. This increased my wife’s desire to go natural and I started to realize that she was a little more serious about going natural than in previous months. After realizing that my wife really wanted to go through with the process, my support quickly changed.
I started telling my wife that I did not support her decision and that she was only going natural because it was a new fad. I also began to tell her that I did not think she could deal with the psychological effects of her being natural because it would bring her self-esteem down considering that she would have extremely short hair. To be completely honest, I tried everything in the book to keep my wife from going natural.
During the entire time of me begging and pleading with my wife to keep her long hair, she always told me that going natural was more than her randomly wanting to cut her hair. Being that I am a researcher at heart, I began to research natural hair, the “big chop”, and other things associated with this process. I also began to watch YouTube videos of women who did the “big chop” to make sure that they were still cute after cutting their hair. The “big chop” is when a woman cuts all of her hair off at one time without letting the processed hair grow out.
While doing my research, I realized that going natural was a lifestyle change and not just cutting off hair. I also read many stories on the internet about women who chose to go natural and it really enhanced their quality of life and gave them more confidence. One thing that also helped me tremendously was that I met a few guys who supported their girlfriends/wives through the “going natural” process and they expressed how they initially had feelings similar to mine but they do not regret their queens going natural. After doing my research and meeting other supportive guys, I jumped on my wife’s bandwagon and fully supported her decision. I am proud to say that I do not regret my wife going natural and I wrote this publication to hopefully help you gain a better understanding of the process.
Why do Black Women Decide to Go Natural?
Before discussing men and the natural process, I think it is very important to discuss why women decide to go natural. I have learned that the natural process is about Black women fully reclaiming their identities and being the person that God created them to be. When our Black women use chemicals in their hair to straighten it, there are many ramifications. A few of these ramifications are:
- Their hair gets damaged from the chemicals.
- They change their hair to fit what society deems as being “pretty”.
- Their hair is constantly dry.
- Their scalps become damaged as a result of the toxic chemicals.
A lot of Black women straighten their hair to be accepted by society. This notion that straight hair is more attractive than “kinky” hair is generated from a Eurocentric philosophy, which states that White women are more attractive than Black women. Since White women had long hair that flowed and this was what was considered to be beauty, Black women started straightening their hair to be more like White women. Black men started to see this as beauty and hair became a huge factor in whether a Black woman was considered beautiful or not. This is why a lot of men describe their girlfriends/wives to others as having long hair. This desire to look “pretty” is also why a lot of Black women sometimes put weave in their hair.
As a race, I think we have learned to belittle the way our hair naturally grows by calling it “nappy”. The truth is that what we call nappy is really the natural curl pattern of our hair. This does not make our hair any less beautiful than other races, it is just different. The problem is that we compare our hair to Europeans (White people) and since we make them the “standard”, then we belittle our hair because we do not meet their “standard”. This is why Black men seek women with straight hair because we try to meet this European standard of beauty.
Why Are We Apprehensive about Our Queens Going Natural?
As an advocate for natural hair and a male who once hated the thought of my queen going natural, I have reflected on my process and asked the question, “Why did I not want my queen to go natural”? The truth is that I realized that my apprehensions were more about my insecurities as a man and not so much about my queen going natural.
Think about this: If your wife/girlfriend could become natural without having to cut her hair, would it make the process better? I can definitely say that for me this would have made a world of difference and I probably would have never questioned her decision to go natural. The truth is that “natural” is not the problem for men, it is the length of hair that is the problem. Sadly, our problem with our women going natural has nothing to do with the positive change that will occur with them internally but it is more focused on their change externally. To make matters worse, we are consumed and concerned with them cutting their hair off, when in a matter of months it will grow right back.
Another question I asked myself, which really convicted me was “who did I fall in love with, my wife (girlfriend at the time) or her hair”? This question goes deeper because I would further ask you the questions, “If your beautiful queen was to get injured and became disfigured, would you leave her? Or if she gained weight would you leave her?” If the answer is yes, then I would say that there may be pre-existing issues in your relationship that need to be addressed, but I am praying that you love your queen for the beautiful woman she is internally.
Why are we afraid to be with a woman with short hair? My answer to this question was that I did not want people to look at me differently because I had a woman with short hair. I was afraid that other men would look at me and laugh behind my back because my “bald-headed” woman would be next to me. I am sure that you have been in conversations with other men where you all joked about women with short or nappy hair, so I know that plays in your mind.
The truth is that I exaggerated these feelings and exaggerated the effects of my wife going natural. Once my wife did the big chop and was “bald headed”, I realized that my prior insecurities were completely inaccurate. First, my wife did not look like a man nor did she lose any of her feminine qualities. She was still a gorgeous beautiful Black queen who happened to have shorter hair. Secondly, my friends and other males actually loved the look of my wife and complemented her on her beauty. Third, it was a pleasure seeing my wife with so much confidence and the excitement generated from the fact that she could see the way her hair naturally grows. If there is anything I can leave you with in this section, it is that you should really analyze the true meaning behind why you have such high apprehensions about your queen going natural. Is it the fact that she will be natural or is it the fact that she has to cut her hair off and you are insecure about it?
Why is Your Support Really Needed?
Brother to brother, I am here to tell you that your beautiful queen needs your support in this process. You have to work to set your insecurities to the side and really try to empathize with her and see why she really wants to go natural. As mentioned earlier, the process of going natural has nothing to do with her wanting short hair; it is more about her wanting to reclaim her identity and be the person that God intended for her to be. If you do not fully support her, then it will make the process more difficult for her and she will be unhappy trying to please you.
During the process of going natural, you are the main person that she will probably be worried about. All women want to know that their men find them attractive, so a big part of your job while she is going through the process is to reaffirm that she is beautiful. Truthfully, she may have moments where she feels as if she looks like a boy and is unattractive. Your job is to reassure her that she is still a queen and that she is still as beautiful as she was when she had longer hair.
Something I did to support my queen was to buy her a couple natural shirts. This showed her that I was by her side in the process and this made things easier for her because she felt supported. I am not saying you have to buy your queen shirts, but I will say that your actions must show that you support her. We can verbally say that we support our queens but they can really tell how we feel by our actions. Again, go back to why are you apprehensive about your queen going natural.
As I mentioned earlier, hair grows back and I am certain that it will look just as good as when she had a perm. It may take a few months for it to come back, but it is not the end of the world. Your queen will be the exact same woman that you knew when you first met her, but she will have a little less hair. I enjoyed seeing my wife’s hair grow back and seeing how she got so excited because she was now able to see the real texture of her hair. I also enjoyed seeing my wife gain more confidence and become more comfortable in who she is as a Black woman.
In conclusion, I understand that this is also a process for you. I understand that reading this article is not going to automatically make you fully support your queen in this process. What I hope is that you take time to really analyze this document and reflect on why you are apprehensive about your queen going natural. If you trust your queen and really love her, you will trust that this process is about her bettering her quality of life and rediscovering who she really is as a Black woman.
Do not hesitate to contact me if you need advice or inspiration. Click here for my contact information.